Do you know your self worth???

In an era of social media excess, super competitive workplaces, unrealistic "reality" shows, and an unpredictable political climate it is difficult to assess self worth? I have personally grown in this area of my wellbeing but it is still a work in progress. Yes I said wellbeing because if you do not know your personal self worth and the value you add to yourself and others, it can impact your well being, your emotional health. In my life I have been made to feel worthless by a man and been taken advantage of financially by those that said they "loved me". I have seen people come in and out of my life like a season, and questioned what did I do to bring that about? Was I not their cup of tea or did I offend them or make them feel a certain way. Was I not worthy enough???

The single greatest advantage that any human being can have is to know their worth even if others ignore it or just don't see it. I strongly believe when you know your worth you make better decisions about your life. Who you allow into your life or not and what you will be willing to do. I was too young and did not have enough life experience when I went through some of the tougher personal moments, the experiences that chipped away at my joy and confidence. I did not know enough to decipher what was happening, how I could have managed through it effectively, and tell people to just go F... themselves. While I am writing about self worth there are those who are too worthy or narcissistic, have such a sense of entitlement and they don't care about others. It is important to know the characteristics that narcissist's possess. They think the world revolves around them, and they can make others feel a certain way through master manipulation. Most narcissist are cunning and charming and can easily be mis-identified. Just watch out for this type of person in your life, they can zap the energy out of you and kill your self worth.

About a month or so ago I started writing this blog, I had a friend give me feedback on it and she felt I needed to unpack at least one of those moments in my life. For a month I have hesitated to do so because I knew that I would cry just thinking about how worthless I felt during that time. Today's Myrna would have kicked their ass for doing what they did to me. Also for the last month I have been consumed with searching for my careers second act. I am still on the hunt for a job and I believe I will land one soon. Keep me in your prayers.

So my wonderful friend (who will be known as A) sent me a message last night saying "Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. Haven't seen a blog post?" I snapped out of whatever I was feeling and got back on the damn horse. This is why sisterhood is so important. Thank you A for your encouragement, love and support it means so much to me.

Well here we go. When I was in my early 20's I met my first narcissist, he was handsome, had swagger and was pretty well off. I actually left a really nice dude for him because I had a thing for bad boys I guess. This guy was the ultimate bad boy. Anyway we had a tumultuous first few years, you would think I would walk away as there were clearly signs of control, demeaning behavior and a wondering eye. No physical abuse happened but now I know I was being emotionally abused. Oh I forgot to share that he was Public Enemy number one with my family. They couldn't stand him and tolerated him because they loved me. I wish I would have made a different decision back then but I didn't and stayed with this bad guy.

In 1996 after he showed some signs of goodness (the bar was low for him) we decided to move to Florida together and my parents wanted to make sure that at the very least we were engaged. I secured employment by transferring with my company, he went and purchased a beautiful 2 carat Tiffany engagement ring and all of his sins were washed away. He stayed behind to sell his businesses and joined me in Florida about 2 months after I arrived. I set up home while he wrapped things up in NY. Everything was coming together, we were enjoying Florida, we then bought our first home and all seemed perfect. Then of course the shoe began to drop and I started seeing the ugly behavior again. You see my mother was diagnosed with dementia right before I left NY and I always knew that I would be the one to figure out her elder care plan. Both my parents and sister were ill. I could not leave them in NY and wanted them near so I could manage their wellness. I began looking for a place for them to live and was lucky enough to get a beautiful condo for all of them in an estate sale. The only catch is that they would need to live with us for a few months until the place was ready as I did not want them to sign their lease in NY again.

That was a horrible time for me. He did not want them in our home, he treated us like garbage and I could not wait for their place to be ready so I could have some kind of normalcy again. I am not giving a lot of detail because it hurts to even write about it. Long story short I still stayed with this piece of shit. For the next few years it was horrible, on my days off I would be running my parents and sister to their doctors appointments, trying to get pregnant doing in vitro and working a super full time job. I took no time for myself and reached almost 200 pounds. I was beyond depressed. I knew I was no longer attractive to my fiancé and I hated my self. I had zero self worth. Fast forward to 2001 my sister passed away at age 53 and two months later my Mom passed away. I did not take the time to deal with the grief and my ex did not have an empathetic bone in his body. Instead he said you will feel better if you throw yourself into your work. My despair was palpable but I did throw myself into work and had a very successful career. That was the only thing I had that was good in my life so I nurtured it and the people I worked with. My co-workers took care of me during that time and I still have great friends that came out of this horrible situation.

About 4 years after my Mom and Sister passed my Dad joined them in heaven. It was during this time that I found out that my fiancé was living a double life. He was traveling for work and reignited a relationship with a former girlfriend from his past. I even met her, before I knew about the affair, at a conference where spouses were invited. I felt sick to my stomach when I found out. He was living with her when he was traveling, they even went to Hawaii together, he had a separate cell phone that I found. I had all the proof. When I confronted him the idiot denied everything. I even put a tape recorder in his car and I had conversations between them on tape. One day before I confronted him I took the secret phone I found under his car seat and called her. She answered "hey babe". I told her this is not babe this is Myrna. You can have this piece of shit all for yourself. In time he will do to you what he did to me. He may not cheat but he will make you feel worthless. Please take this garbage off my hands. Then I hung up the phone and crushed it, felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was then that I confronted him and told him that I wanted him out. I said we will figure out the house and all of the financial things later. Luckily the house was in my name and ironically he was being nice to me during this time. He had an agenda, always did.

So out of the ashes I rise. It was then that I went and joined Jenny Craig, started working out everyday, and worked my ass off to be the best. A year later I had lost 65 pounds, I was a size 4 and had a breast reduction. I looked damn good LOL. I was the number one District Manager in Victoria's Secret that year and was promoted from Miami to NYC. I won't lie he came back to ask for forgiveness and wanted to make it work and I almost caved. I was unwavering in my decision. I heard that he broke her heart as well. Not that I give a shit because she knew he had someone. I guess I should thank her because she sort of saved me from being in that relationship any longer. But I truly regained my self worth. I am not the smartest, prettiest or rich. But I am rich in self worth and have a good soul. I have had some hard knocks but I made it through all of that alive. What I did not tell you is that at one point in my search to find my worth I contemplated suicide. On days that I was alone in that big house I really did not want to live anymore. It was my sisterhood and the love of my family that saw me through.

I hope that if you see the signs that you won't allow yourself to get stuck. There is life after these horrible situations. There are resources, friends, family to help get you through. This is a cautionary tale that could have become worse but my heart and soul just had enough. I thank my family and friends for seeing me through. I am grateful that today I am with a man that treasures me and loves me. He is my soulmate.

You are worthy of all good things!